Find tape measure. Drop pants and measure distance between floor and each testicle. Record distance in sketchbook.
Kneel close to audience. Pour rubbing alcohol over head into eyes and mouth. Feel alcohol seep into clothes, beard, skin, etc. Can’t see. Hard to breathe. Open cans of coffee. Pour over head, slowly. Smell and feel.
Change into “work” clothing. (White underwear like Dad would wear, painter’s pants, t-shirt, boots, belt.) Walk to pile of wood and beer. Put all beer bottles in pockets, down pants. Lay on stack of 2x4s. Gather wood in arms and roll. Bottles creek, fall out. Some may break. Keep rolling.
Board edges roll over forearms, land hard on hands and legs. Continue rolling back and forth across cement floor, through beer, broken bottles. Move on when pain outweighs fun.
Get up. Remove all clothes. Pick up white paint bucket. Pick up one sixteen-foot screwed-together 2x4 pairs. Step into one 2’x2’ boxes. Pour paint slowly over head and 2x4s. Finish painting 2x4s with hands. Leave bucket on head. Stand there. Breathe. Feel paint drip down body. I am painting.
Now get body through 2x4s. (I’ve been able to do this only once in 5 attempts.) Usually discover: probably not going to be successful. Try anyway. Keep 2x4 contraption on body. Hobble over to other 2’x2’ box. Repeat with black paint.
Ask audience member to help (I can barely move.) Take second measurement of distance between floor and testicles. Get stupid 2x4s off body as fast as possible before falling down and really hurting self. End.